TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have An additional location the place American Guys can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer Anyone a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting interest from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where by my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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